..it’s been a while now…

and everything has changed since you have passed. I never expected it to hit me in a way that everything would change. So, what did change?

I laugh less. You wouldn’t like it, you would tell me to go and live my life and have fun, but I can’t just yet. Yes, I have some really good moments, but I definitely laugh less, I am less happy than I was.

I started to drink more alcohol to numb the pain. I usually don’t drink much, but in the past two months the amount of alcohol intake increased significantly. I am slowly starting to reduce it now, because yes, alcohol might help for a short while, but it’s not a way to cope with pain. And it doesn’t ALWAYS help anyway. So, I am on a good path here.

I stopped cooking. I just don’t have energy to cook. I eat a lot of fast food, chocolate, coke, coffee – call it soul food. I just can’t bring myself to follow a healthy diet. I started once or twice to get back to my old habits, but then I break again and I need my comfort food. My body doesn’t like it much, but my soul does. Not sure when this changes back again, not soon, I predict.

I stopped working out. Yes, I don’t have any energy to work out . Of course, I have a dog to take care of, we go for long walks and my daily steps increased a lot (from 3,500 a day to 11,000 at most days), but I don’t have any energy left in my body to do proper workouts for my muscles. I used to love the barbell training last year, did it three to four times a week. Now I just sit on my sofa, look at the barbell and keep thinking: “Naah, not today. I can’t.”

Another perfect way to numb any pain and kill unpleasant thoughts: watching tv. I binge watched some tv shows for hours and hours and hours, with almost no break. Especially during the weekends. I didn’t care much to meet friends or family. I wanted to be on my own for most of the time and watch tv. I watched all 12 seasons of Bones, e. g., in a couple of weeks only. My brain started to turn into apple sauce and I finally managed to break at least THAT cycle. First step: no more tv in bed. As soon as I leave the living room to go to bed, I go to bed to sleep or to read. But no more “watch until you fall asleep” in the bedroom. It works so far, and I can happily announce that I finished a book!!!! Finally, after weeks of not reading a word or managing to finish one page. It feels good and it helps to get back to a more healthy sleep rhythm.

Those are just a few examples of how my life changed since you died. I know that you would hate it, but it just happened. And it shows me that your death really really hit me hard. Harder than anything that ever happened to me before. And I wouldn’t say that the day of your passing was the WORST day of my life, but it was the DARKEST day of my life. It kind of made me stop living my life for a while. I remember other bad days, like when my girlfriend broke up with me – that probably was one of the WORST days of my life, I was shattered, broken, devastated. But I wasn’t living in darkness. Now, I am not broken, shattered or devastated. But I am surrounded by darkness of sorts, living inside of a dark cloud. It’s kind of “funny”, how different bad emotions can show themselves or can be experienced. Your death never affected my daily life, because life just goes on, but my soul definitely needs time to adjust to being in a world without you, while at the same time it tries to be grateful to have been able to share this world with you for a few decades. What a blessing.

..nah, he wouldn’t, ergo: we’re safe. Or would he?

I remembered that thought yesterday. The “he” is Per, the “would or wouldn’t” is connected to touring, the “being safe” part is connected to you. I remembered that train of thought in the car, while listening to the Mazarin album. It was 2003 and we were so worried about you. We didn’t know anything about your well-being, how you were doing, where you were, how the odds were. I remember that somebody told me that you probably wouldn’t survive this illness very long, and that your prognosis probably was between 1,5 and 2 years. I refused to accept it, I purely denied it. And I connected my denial to Per Gessle releasing a solo album. He certainly wouldn’t record and release a solo album while you were fighting death, would he? And he most certainly wouldn’t go on a solo tour in Sweden while you were fighting death, would he? No, he wouldn’t. I so wanted to believe it, and I was kind of sad when I found out years later that, yes, he would. Of course he would, because life goes on and on and on.. after all.

But the belief, the thought that he wouldn’t dare to release a catchy summer album with so many great tunes – even one featuring you on backing vocals, it kept me going, it kept me breathing, it made me stop worrying for a few weeks, because I was so sure that you were well. And I, weirdly enough, thank Per Gessle for doing it, for distracting us. While a part of me still thinks that, were I in his position, I just couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t have been able to continue doing the things I was doing all of my life. In my thinking, life would have stopped, and that’s the error: Life never stops. And today I am pretty sure that you loved the album, you loved the tour, you loved På Promenad Genom Stan and you enjoyed the Halmstad concert. That’s what we did until we saw your photo in Aftonbladet or Expressen the other day.

And when Per went on a tour in 2018 and with Gyllene Tider in 2019, I wanted to believe again that he wouldn’t do it if you were fighting death. He would, and it’s good that he did. Again. There’s nobody to blame for anything. Life is life, and we shouldn’t stop living it, because someone close to us is very sick and fighting for their life. It might sound cruel, but I am totally sure that most of the very sick people don’t want us to stop our lives and make the time stop. You certainly wouldn’t.