..you know, it’s a bit curious and funny, actually..

.. in my more rational moments, I am actually asking myself what I expected? Another miracle healing? You being healthy again just like that? Able to walk, full sight, no loss of memory, everything as it was pre 2002 or maybe just pre 2013/2014? Not really sure, but only this and my high hopes for a miracle to happen can be the reason for the amount of sadness, loss and grief I feel now. I guess most of us fans knew this wouldn’t happen. You had retired, and all I wished for you was to have a looooong and splendido time at home with your loved ones around you. Yet, the outcome of what brought you down in the end was to expected. Nothing else but that. And I really can’t get over it now. I can’t wait for the moment I will tell my tales about you to people I care about. With a smile on my face, with a loving look back on my past, our past together. Right now, I can’t. I am sad, I am fucking sad, that you had to succumb to this shitty disease. And I am still waiting for gratefulness to fully take over all negativity in me.

Today, someone asked how long it will take for me to finally be done grieving. I was quite shocked. I mean, it takes as long as it takes. And you were closer to me than many many, like actually almost ALL PEOPLE on this planet. You were my safe haven, my place to go for my heart and my mind when storms threatened to blow me off my feet. You were always there. And I tell you what: A week is not nearly close to be DONE grieving.

The days, now, after a week of knowing, have turned into one gigantic grey fog. I can’t see anything inside or on the outside. And I don’t care, eventually the fog will let me see again, just not now. And then, that someone asked me what I will do (or how I think I will grieve) when my parents die. Well, guess what, you were just as important to me as they are! You still are. You never were someone, never just the pop star on a poster. We met, we talked, I knew you and you knew me. I got to know your family, your wonderful husband who is in my thoughts all day. You never were just a pop star, you were part of my family. And you continue to be.