Apparently, a study found out, decades ago, that human beings go through five stages of grief. They have a significant order. First, there is denial, then there is anger, followed by bargaining, depression and acceptance.
I have experienced grief before, but never as much as I do now. And that, probably, makes me a lucky person, because when I honestly tell you that they day of your death (or rather of the press release of your death) was the worst day in my life, I can say I have lead a good life up to that day, with little losses and less pain. And I think it’s true. My heart has been broken, I cried a lot, I lost my dog after 11 years together, I grieved then, too. But never as I do now. Yet, what is exactly the same: There are no five stages of grief for me. I experience them all in no particular order at the fucking same time. One minute I am in denial, then I am getting angry, followed by a brief moment of acceptance, before I try to bargain and get angry again. There are moment during the day when I forget shortly that you passed. And then, when I remember, it hits me like a truck again. The hit and the aftermath of that hit is getting weaker, but it still hurts like hell.
People might wonder why I am angry. Well, I am angry at you, of course. Grief is such a selfish thing. After a few days I always realize that it’s not you I am grieving for, I grieve for myself to have lost you. A huge piece has been taken off my existence, my being me, my body, my heart. Where there once was you, there is a big black hole now, and that’s what I am grieving for. Furthermore, I know you are in a better place now. You fought for so long, you overcame the illness, you did so many beautiful things in the years you had left – there is no reason to bemoan your passing for the sake of YOU. So, yes, it’s selfish. And I am angry that you left us here, without a word, without a smile, without waving goodbye. How dare you? Well, you know what I mean… it’s not WHAT I mean. Just a feeling that gets replaced by bargaining or depression very quickly.
At least the tears have subsided mostly – for now. There is just this huge black hole inside of me. I haven’t laughed since Tuesday, not whole-heartedly, I don’t feel like meeting people and listening to their problems, I want to wallow in self-pity and feel depressed. For now.