..ignorance is bliss!

It’s good that we didn’t know. It’s good that nobody told us. It’s good that we didn’t know what was coming. Not that any of this was any of our business, certainly not, so nobody would have told us anyway. But that’s not my point. I just learned today that ignorance is bliss. Ignorance CAN be bliss. It’s good that we don’t know when THE day is there. Not only our own THE day, but everyone’s THE day. It’s a mercy that most of us can start each day not knowing if it’s the last of everything or a first day of something new or just a regular day to forget. Bliss.

While I am certain that you had an idea of how much time you would have left, and I am sure your loved ones as well, or even clearer maybe than you, but we didn’t. And I am glad we didn’t. And if you knew, and I am just assuming that you weren’t that well anymore, what would any of us do in this state? Time runs through your fingers, you can’t stop it, you can’t seize the days anymore, all you can do is make your peace with IT, with yourself and everyone around you.

It’s a mercy to just drop dead. No overthinking, no regrets, no last goodbye. A life just ends, another one begins. And that’s another great injustice that I feel at the bottom of my heart. Knowing that you don’t have much time left, trying to fill the days with as much life as possible, being aware that this existence comes to an end. It’s unfair, it’s unjust, nobody deserves it.

This morning, devastating news reached me. A man I know went to the doctor with back pain, nothing else. He came back knowing that his body is full with cancer and he only has a few weeks left. There is no treatment that can cure him. He is dying. And he knows it. What did you do with your time? What would I do with my time if I knew that? Expecting excruciating pain, wasting away. I wonder how you did it. But knowing you as the strongest woman I have ever met, I am sure you even met this fate with a victory sign and a smile on your face.

..I wonder where you are..

I really do.
Where are you? ARE you? What are you? I am not a believer, I don’t do religion, I don’t do God, call me agnostic. That’s what I am. I don’t deny the existence of a God, but as long as I haven’t seen proof, I don’t believe it either. And, anyway, what has dying to do with it? We have physical bodies that we lose when we die, they decay, they go, they are laid to rest, to become one again with the world, with the earth, the ashes. And that’s actually a beautiful way of looking at it, at least for me. So, I want to believe that your body is one again with where you came from, where we all came from. They say that energy is never lost, so something of your existence has to be somewhere. And I wonder where that is. Is it our memories? Are you in us? Is your soul, like, floating around, watching over us, always around? Is there something like that at all? The energy can’t be lost, you know.

I don’t really believe in the concept of heaven and hell, either. Heaven is a place I can’t really imagine. It would have to be a place with trillions of souls floating around, is that even manageable? Just kidding.. ! But, wherever your soul is, wherever your energy has gone, has transformed into: You will also always be a part of me. And, as long as I live, that will never change. And that’s how all of us should look at it. As long as we remember you, cherish you, tell our tales about you, you are very much there, vivid. In the dark moments, this thought really comforts me.

Today, I miss you especially. Yes.

…. I have been busy last week!

Yes, sorry, really.. I mean, I wasn’t really busy, but I was busy denying your death. In a way. There was one night when I woke up at around 2 am and it hit me like a truck, exactly like when I heard it for the very first time: MARIE IS DEAD. I couldn’t fall asleep again and laid in my bed, wide awake, shaking, my heart racing. It was the first time after weeks when I felt the impact of your passing again.

Ironically enough, I have no problem whatsoever listening to your music. To be honest: It’s the opposite. I put all of your tracks (well, at least all I have; Roxette, solo, live, unplugged, demos, remixes, b-sides) on a USB stick and listen to your catalogue constantly since mid December. I love it!

I remember that I had some nice chats with Christoffer regarding your voice; how it became so much rougher after your illness, and how we both love this rough voice of yours, this voice that makes you know in the second you hear it that the person with this voice went through a lot. I must say, I liked that voice of yours really a lot. It was rough, but at the same time totally fragile. I listened to “Ingen kommer undan politiken” and it’s one song where you can hear that “I’ve been through a lot, I am vulnerable and yet invincible” a lot. I am so going to miss listening to new songs sung by your for the first time. There will be no first times anymore. And this is incredibly sad.

I remember the first time that I listened to “Min bäste vän”. At first I was a bit irritated about the production you and Mikael chose, then I didn’t know the songs, but the second time around I adored the joie de vivre of that album. It shines through every line, even in Aftonfalken or Här kommer natten. I will also never forget the first time I heard “Have a nice day”. I was shocked, and it took me three days to get over it. Then I grew to love it, there are some real gems on it. And your vocals are outstanding.

It’s a pity that there won’t be any first times anymore. The fascination of a first moment, a first feeling, a first though on a certain song, melody or lyrics. Your music made my life better, your music WAS a huge part of my life. And I could give you a lot of situations where I heard a special song. The connection is back immediately. Moments I will never forget again. Thank you for that!

And if you read this, you might think I am rambling. I don’t deny it, I am rambling. There is so much in my head right now, that I am not able to sort out first. I needs and wants out, and I let it. You would have approved, I guess.